The Ex Factor

I have spoken before about ‘Dating Etiquette’ and the subtle issues that arise when someone tries to get to know someone else. It’s a wonderful thing, and I am happy to say that currently I’m dating someone myself. There is an odd phenomenon that I have picked up on though, and it might not be something everyone feels as strongly about, but I think it’s worth a mention. How long should you wait to bring up previous relationships?

I’m not stupid, and I’m not naïve, but there is a blissful ignorance when you start seeing someone that what you are doing with them is new and unique for both of you. Now I know that isn’t always strictly true, and whoever you’re with may have done the whole dating thing over and over again, long before you came on the scene (down boy…), and maybe even long after you’re no longer part of that equation. It’s still a bit of a grey area though, about how soon you bring up your ex’s.

I used to be a believer that one brings it up as soon as you can. This gets the whole issue out of the way and hopefully leaves the other person at ease about where you’re at in your head, however having experienced this myself I am still at odds with whether that’s such a good idea.

Bringing up the past isn’t something most of us relish, and it’s an odd thing to feel compelled to do when you’re with someone looking to the future, but it’s one of those strange human conditions we all experience and feel something towards in some capacity.

I must admit to feeling a little uncomfortable when my latest squeeze talks about what they did with a previous boyfriend, and on several occasions I’ve even found myself talking about mine in defence rather than to build on something constructively. Childish I know, but there’s something about the raw emotions of new relationships that bring out the child in me. I do have one you see, under the swathes of paperwork.

I think there are three ways this whole thing manifests itself. Firstly one meets someone when they are already with someone else. I’ve experienced this and can vouch for the fact this is a minefield of psychological warfare, however there’s something reassuring seeing the whole thing pan out in front of you; there is little space for your imagination to run riot. Secondly, one can meet someone who talks about their ex very rarely (or perhaps has never had a real ex!). This is something else I’ve experienced and although it sounds great on paper, it can be a little stressful if you’re the guy that’s providing a benchmark to your partner. Lastly, one dates someone who talks about their ex wistfully. Maybe it’s not that actual person they are hankering after, but rather the experiences and feelings they had at the time. This is also something I have (and am) experiencing and I must say it leaves far too much unseen to speculate over.

I am all up for having wonderful memories, and I have them too. I still love all the people from previous relationships; I’m just not in love with them anymore. I hope they are all happy and I will always be there for them if they ever need me. I think there might just be a quirk in me that doesn’t respond well to hearing that back from someone else. Maybe it’s something verbal that makes it all the more real, I don’t know.

I guess I’ll conclude by admitting that it’s a really useless exercise getting wound up by mere mentions of previous lovers, and that if your current squeeze is with you then that should say enough. Sometimes I have to remind myself about that but I’m glad I do; I’d hate to jeopardise anything in the present (and hopefully the future) because of something in the past.