That Certain Something

I’ve had a few relationships in my time. I’m not saying I’ve had lots, I mean literally a few (that I’d count as serious). My most recent one broke up late last year and after several months as a singleton (a much needed respite I’ll have you know) I’m now dating someone again, although I must note that its early days, but I’m hopeful.

Over the years that I’ve been part of a couple with the people that have been my other halves, I’ve pondered and theorised (I’ve recently been told I think too much and I’m starting to see value in that observation), over what it is to be with someone. What are the factors one looks for in a partner? What is it about certain people that mean you go weak at the knees? Why do some people live happily ever after and others crash and burn their entire lives over?

Now I know this is a vast and unwieldy subject the focus of countless tomes and I couldn’t possibly hope to even scratch the surface in a crazy blog. I agree and instead of coming up with the formula to eternal happiness (sorry!) I’ll simply note some observations I’ve, well, observed.

It started when I saw my parents break up. This was an odd part of my life and since then I’ve looked back and viewed it as even odder. It seemed clear that both my parents were sheer forces of nature and that their combined energies caused a black hole (especially in the bank accounts after the divorce). Now, I have been told my numerous sources that they were both perfectly suited to each other and were incredibly happy until the bitter end when I was about seven.

From then on I think I’ve had a constant drive to figure out what went wrong with it all, but in the sense that I, myself, wouldn’t let that happen to me. Of course I’ve broken up with people and it’s been hurtful and difficult but I’ve not let that level of devastation my parents left behind filter into my personal relationships, maybe by the fact (and again I’ve been told) I’m a cagey beast but that’s another blog altogether.

I see there as being four distinct areas one looks for in a partner. Emotion; which seems obvious but personally I’m relatively non emotional unless I know someone incredibly intimately, and that’s a major factor in why I like them. Security; which may seem a little selfish but I think everyone has that idea that the person they are with provides a certain level of security whether that be financial, emotional or physical. Physical attraction; which is probably the most obvious of the lot, although there are exceptions and it’s entirely subjective. I myself have fancied people that aren’t Calvin Klein models. Lastly but far from leastly I think we look for ‘that certain something’; this is that unquantifiable, undefined and mysterious feeling you get when you ‘click’ with someone. Some people call it chemistry but I like to think there’s a healthy dose of psychology thrown in there too.

I’ve dated people who have ticked three out of the four boxes and unsurprisingly they didn’t last long. For someone to truly begin to fall for someone else I believe that all four need to be in place. I’m not saying this is the magic formula for ‘love’; love is something totally different for which this is merely the beginning.

‘That certain something’ is a strange entity which I have only recently come to terms with. As a self confessed control freak it’s difficult to allow myself to give in to such a mushy, grey area term, but for the sake of my own sanity, soul and love life I have had to. I think it’s at the early stages of dating someone that you start to feel that there’s more to what you have than great sex, wonderful banter and evenings out. After a while you begin to look into that persons eyes and see more than just your reflection.

I think with all relationships, embryonic or to the death, there’s a balance of the four areas which change and fluctuate over the course of your life. It’s understanding them and remembering how important they are to you. When one of those areas starts to recede, which they sometimes do, it’s time to call it a day.

Maybe if my parents had thought about it a little deeper things may have been very different or perhaps I’m just an over analytical weirdo and I’m talking a load of old tosh. Aren’t we strange creatures?